Torture: we’ve all experienced it. Whether it’s sitting next to that one kid in class that’s a little too passionate about the Cold War or living in an apartment below a couple of 19-year-old boys, I think we can all agree that torture is pretty bad. However, if you’re crazy like me, you also just can’t get enough of it. I took a trip down to the Medieval Torture Museum, located on the historic Michigan Avenue, with my sights set out on playing with some big hammers and being spooked by stories of the Dark Ages, and spooked is what I got indeed.
Immediately when you step inside the building — which is directly attached to the glowing Chicago Theater — you can completely sense what you’re about to get yourself into. As you walk through the little gift shop, check in with the ticketers and are up the stairs, you’re suddenly in a new (old?) universe. It’s dark like a Hollister in 2007, but you don’t mind for the sake of the ambiance as distant screams of the damned play throughout the museum, creating the perfect eerie atmosphere. If you’re a fan of high production value set design and soft gore, this is the spot for you.
Between the two full laps we took around the museum, there was one exhibit that we just had to stop at both times — the ancient chastity belts. It’s crazy how far we have come in terms of the acceptance of human sexuality, with this exhibit being an incredible display of that. Most of these instruments were made of metals like copper or iron, with only some lined with cloth or leather; leading me to believe that maybe these weren’t used for pleasure… As it turns out, these undergarments were used on both men and women — mostly men — to stop them from masturbating or having unholy sex (whatever that means). Wild. I have a feeling this exhibit is a major hit amongst modern museumgoers and freaks alike.
If you’ve ever watched a movie from the SAW franchise, chances are that the thought of which traps you believe you could survive has crossed your mind. Honestly, that’s all I was thinking about while I was there. The conclusion that I was able to come to after that harrowing second lap was that I could probably not survive most of these, except, perhaps, the barrel, which I could probably survive but definitely would not want to. Some of the torture devices were designed to lead to punishment via death, but others were simply inclined to publicly humiliate the person of the hour. The Barrel is interesting because it was a punishment for aggressive public drunkenness and rather than having a friend call an Uber for you and waking up confused in your bed the next day, you would instead find yourself sitting in a barrel of icy water parked right in the center of the town square for everyone to laugh at. Personally, the humiliation of being a barrel guy is worse than getting flayed (which was also on display!).
The worst method of torture by far would be torture by rats. In this one, as a victim is stripped completely naked and strapped to a table so that they can’t even move, a metal cage is heated to a scalding temperature before it is placed on their chest with hungry rats locked inside. Just the thought of enduring this makes me shiver. Truthfully, at least methods of decapitation are over quickly — the rats slowly eating you alive could take hours, even days! If it takes weeks, you’re already a dead man at that point. If it were up to me, NO RATS.
The Museum of Medieval Torture is a scary fun time (see what I did there?). They are open year-round and have many cool displays that are beyond worth checking out. Remember, the best way to avoid repeating history is by remembering it. Torture: never forget.
